Relationships & Connections
What Do You Do When You Bare Yourself To The Other Person?
If you are given something to protect and uphold, it is to protect the naked truth of both sides — yours and his/hers
A month ago, I reflected upon the invitation from a Eurasian to his humble abode. Now, I asked myself why I had turned down his offer.
I needed a soul break, me-time not alone. I would love to be in my private space with someone harmless. Yet, I turned down his invitation. I regret rejecting his invitation, honestly.
It was an opportunity to chill over at his place, no doubt. I could accompany him while he had his wine and me? Of course, water.
But, the stench from the kitchen refrained me from spending time with him. And, he seemed sensitive to perfume.
The only crazy idea I had was to request showering over at his place. That would probably be my last resort if I ever accepted his invitation again.
Anyway, I was attracted to his sentence during our conversations.
“…you have not seen me yet…”
We got along generally fine. And, we did not get to spend ample time together outside our working hours which took up most of our time.
He worked from 1100 am to midnight. Sometimes it stretched till 1 am or 2 am. I noticed his off days were back-to-back Monday and Tuesday.
I wanted to see him.
I wanted to see the ‘real him’ beyond his business suit. I wanted to see him away from the formality of hosting at work. I knew that seeing him meant we would be bearing our vulnerabilities to each other — our private life or moments.
But, what if I had seen him? What if he had seen me? What did he mean by I have not seen him? Physically naked? Or … our real personality? Or both? So what if it was both? What was the deal anyway?
When we revealed ourselves to someone, we allowed ourselves to be hurt.
So, if he revealed himself to me, and vice versa, we would be opening space to possibilities of hurting each other. We might hurt our feelings from the comfort of our familiarity over time together. Even as friends. With or without benefits.
Have you ever thought of these questions:
Why did we ever allow ourselves to be known to one another if we do not want to be hurt? Can we avoid being hurt in friendship or any form of relationship?
I would love to avoid any necessary loopholes or possibilities of getting emotionally, mentally, or physically hurt by anyone. It had been a very long time since I allowed anyone to hurt me personally — even the religious vampires.
There were religious personnel who gaslighted others easily using holy doctrines. There were plenty of them.
So, what would be the purpose of allowing others to see us? Regardless character-wise or physically.
Learn to improve our social life with advice and encouragement, not shame.
When a person loves you, he would not put you to shame. Even in each other’s faults and mistakes.
Working at the restaurant, the Eurasian man never tries to change me from being myself. He had never asked me to take off my headscarf. He never tasked me to drink wine either. He ensured the restaurant remembered that I do not eat pork, too.
Revealing, knowing, and seeing each other meant that we were not around to change anyone.
Not even in marriage. How often was it that a marriage took place where a husband foresee he needed to make sure his wife changed in behavior and attitude based on his wants or expectations, and vice versa?
And how many marriages ended in heated arguments or divorce? Plenty.
The whole idea of seeing each other, whether bare naked, character-wise or even our vulnerabilities in personal life wasn’t to harm each other. It wasn’t for humiliating and fooling any parties.
It had been all along to…
Learn to protect each other’s flaws even after the relationship or friendship is over.
My Turkish language teacher mentioned the movie ‘The Tourist’. As I watched the movie, the following sentences caught my attention.
“It’s the Roman god, Janus. My mother gave it to me when I was little. She wanted to teach me that people have 2 sides. The good side, a bad side. A past, a future. And that we must embrace both in someone we loved. And I tried.” — The Tourist
Notice here: ‘the good side, a bad side’…similar to my colleague’s advice about yin and yang, and my Yemeni-Arab man once mentioned to me…
“…we are all created with good and bad…it all depends on which side you enliven it most, Nour…”
That means we are with flaws and bad habits too.
And when I repeated the last sentence in the movie, I was reminded that we had good and bad qualities or habits, not only for us to learn to improve ourselves. We learned to accept these alongside the process of either of us making improvements.
Of course, I wouldn’t advise you to stay in an abusive relationship. Leave.
God (or higher power and whatever you named it) did not create us to destroy one another.
So, what did you expect when you bare yourself physically naked in front of each other?
Besides the pleasure, love, and great moments together, were you ready to protect each other’s vulnerability, flaws, blind spots, weaknesses? Even after friendship or relationship broke-up?
And, what would you expect if you were to bear your vulnerabilities, too?
Learn to protect one another even after you seen each other. Because everyone we met taught us something about life.
Would you bare yourself to whom you generally knew to take anything to a higher level or trust? What would you do when you are hurt since you allowed yourself the probability of getting hurt in the first place?
As for me…
I learned from the Eurasian man that as for my past experiences…
“Pain makes you stronger…”